Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
