I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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