Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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