And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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