one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
