on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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