It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want to fling myself into the sun
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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