I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
