i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
