Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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