K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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