i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
