so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if only i could text you this smell
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
