She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
