I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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