So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
