I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
