Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
