i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
