Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
