i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
do herpes really smell.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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