those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize