If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
