She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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