I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
