i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize