Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
