Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
