question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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