In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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