summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am one with the molecules
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize