I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
