someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
