I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just had sex bonerless
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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