Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
