I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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