the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
