Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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