96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
