i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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