Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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