Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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