So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
