totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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