i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
