soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
