So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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