he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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