Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
