i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
