I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
