That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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