ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
