you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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