I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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