I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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