I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
