Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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