I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
