My friends, they love my intelligence
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
