she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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