I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
