sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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