you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
