I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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