i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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