dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
