My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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